With the rise in popularity of bro blogs, like BrosLikeThisSite.com and TotalFratMove.com, Distraction decided to take a stab at this blunt, satirical style of writing. But unlike these websites, we have some f***ing class and can’t necessarily print all of that s**t.
A bro is a rare breed. He thinks he is the hottest sh*t around, but his attitude gives off a casual “I don’t give a f**k” vibe. You can find bros at tailgates grilling, in their dorms playing video games, chugging beers at the Rathskeller and chatting up girls at the library (who f**king cares about studying?). But sometimes a bro finds himself in a bind and needs some words of wisdom. Enter “Dear Bro,” a new column written by bros for bros. And you better f**king like it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m the definition of a bro; I love football, beer, and whip out movie quotes like it’s nobody’s f**king business. But I really don’t get why some confused bros go to country concerts all the time and blast that music from their pickup trucks. Explain or resign from bro-hood.
Tim McGraw Hater
Bro, clearly you have never gone to a country concert tailgate. People drink like f**king champs and go balls to the wall with their hard liquor. Southern Comfort, anyone? Sure, some people are there for the music (GDIs who obviously were not invited to these tailgates of epic “bro-portions”), but the main reason guys around the country attend these concerts in their pickups is to rage. So you are in the parking lot, tailgating like a badass, getting hammered, and then you hear the opening act begin to play. Time to roll into this concert, which you may or may not even remember attending— guess you better shotgun that last beer. But if it’s all about the tailgate, then why do bros still listen to country music after the concert, you may ask? To reminisce about the party atmosphere and remember the glory days, that’s why; it’s like talking about how f**king drunk you were the morning after a rager. Before you know it country music starts to f**king grow on you and you can’t stop yourself from blasting Zac Brown Band on your way to class. If you still don’t get why bro’s love country concerts, then you’re an idiot.
I’m into this potential slam but none of my bros think she’s hot. Should I pursue or just move on to the next one?
Kiss My Biceps
Five f**king words, bro: Hit it and quit it. That is all.
My slam piece is complaining that all I ever do is smoke weed and watch TV. How do I get her off my back while still getting laid on the reg?
TV, Mary Jane and sex, all at once? Bro, you are living the life. This b*tch needs to understand that you already have your priorities f**king straight. But women don’t see things from the very logical perspective of a bro, probably because of penis envy or some psych sh*t. Regardless, here is the plan: keep your woman happy. Want to bang her as often as you want? Take her out on a f**king date; pick a fancy enough place that she feels special but that won’t hurt your wallet. Spring for a bottle of wine and watch the panties drop the second you get home. Take her out on dates and spend enough “quality time” with her so that she won’t want to f**king see you as much. Now you can chill with your bros on your couch, turn on the TV and smoke a very hard-earned bowl.
I live in my lax pinnie during the week but a lot of the bros in my fraternity have started dressing to impress on game days. What is up with this sh*t? I love my f**king lax pinnies.
Lazy as sh*t
Why do bros ever dress up? Think back to semi-formal and formal last year, possibly even a date dash. Why did you and your guys take those extra few moments to jump in the shower and throw on a tie? To get f**king laid. If you put in the extra effort to get the ladies looking your way, then it pays off endlessly in the bedroom. This sh*t is like scientifically proven. Yeah, bros around the globe will definitely agree that lax pinnies are most comfortable and obviously the first shirt we would reach for. But if you want to get it in, you better put on a f**king button-down and a bowtie, b*tch.
Disclaimer: Distraction Magazine does not condone any illegal activity and the vernacular used in this column is not intended to offend. The column is written in a humorous style that is intended for entertainment purposes and is not to be interpreted as truth, nor based in reality.
“Slam piece” – Serial hookup and/or girlfriend
“GDI” – God Damn Independent, a non-Greek student
“On the reg” – On the regular, stuff you do all the time
“Rager” – A party of epic proportions
“Lax pinnie” – A lacrosse jersey worn during practice