It’s not everyday America turns 237. Throw on your skimpiest flag bikini, jam as many hotdogs in your mouth as possible and don’t peak too early because Uncle Sam expects you to make it until the red, white, and blue fireworks. You’ll have to find a way to peel out of bed Friday morning, but until then party like it’s 1776 at these patriotic soirees around town.
Old-Fashioned July 4th Picnic @ The Barnacle Historic State Park
Start early but start slow. Strictly no alcohol, bring your tartan picnic blanket and sprawl out along the bay’s waterfront. There’ll be live music and plenty of hot dogs and burgers. Since the Barnacle knows how to keep it PG, it’s the perfect place to bring your abuelita! ($5) 11 a.m.-4p.m, 3845 Main Highway, Coconut Grove, 305-442-6866; thebarnacle.org
Rony Seikaly’s Fourth of July Pool Party @ Hyde Beach at the SLS Hotel
Relatively new to the Collins Avenue scene, this modern-meets-retro superlounge is hosting it’s first America Day bash. Lather up in sunscreen and fist pump to the techno beats. Watch out for the six-foot-eleven former Heat basketballer Rony Seikaly’s cannonballs and subsequential tidal wave. ($25, $35) 12p.m.-9p.m., 1701 Collins Ave., Miami Beach, 305-674-1701; hydebeach.com
Red, White & Blue Pool Party @ Shore Club Hotel
The Shore Club knows how to treat its guests like VIPS….but first you have to look like one. With a strict dress code, you’ll have to leave the baggy pants and chains at home if you want to twitch to the house music here. ($25) 12p.m.-9p.m., 1901 Collins Ave., Miami Beach, 305-695-3100; shoreclub.com
Americana Pool Party @ Fifty at the Viceroy Hotel
It doesn’t get any better than eating barbecued meat fifty stories up in your bathing suit. Add electronic music and alcohol, and you’ll be singing the star spangled banner off beat in no time. Ah, the good life. ($20) 1p.m., 485 Brickell Ave., Brickell, 305-503-4417; viceroymiami.com
4th of July Rooftop BBQ @ Highbar at Dream South Beach
The best party for your buck on the beach, no one’s charging you a cover fee to jam to live DJs and rub elbows with others that are just as smart with their money as you are. On the fourth floor roof of this sleek hotel, stay close to the pool because otherwise you’re so close to the fireworks it’s practically a fire hazard. 4p.m.-11p.m., 1111 Collins Avenue, Miami Beach, 305-673-4747; highbarmiami.com
A Fourth of July BBQ @ the Delano Hotel
The Delano’s fancy schmancy Italian café is teaming up with the oh-so glamorous Ocean Drive Magazine to give you the most mouth-watering delicious barbecue your wallet can afford. For $75 a head, it’ll be the classiest barbecue you’ve ever been to. Just don’t lick your fingers; that’s what the expensive serviettes on your lap are for. ($75) 4p.m.-10p.m., 1685 Collins Ave., Miami Beach, 305-674-5752; delano-hotel.com
July 4th Fireworks & Foodtrucks Extravaganza @ Peacock Park
With dinner and a show, coming to this event hungry is a must! Surely one of the 11 food trucks and stands will have something to satiate even the pickiest of eaters. There will be a rock wall and bounce house, so bring the baby cousins you’re supposed to babysit while you scout out a prime location to watch the fireworks, ice cold can of beer in hand. God Bless America! (Free) 5p.m.-10p.m., 2820 McFarlane Road, Coconut Grove, 305-444-7270; coconutgrovechamber.com
Fire on the Fourth @ 9th Street Beach
If the city of Miami Beach didn’t want people to drink, then why would they offer to be the designated drivers? Offering free shuttles to folks, they’ve also put their foot down in the sand about no alcohol or glass containers. While we would never advise you to break the law, it’s amazing what you can hide in your mother’s soup thermos. Oh yeah, there’ll be live jazz and fireworks too. (Free) 7p.m.-10p.m., 9th Street and Ocean Drive, Miami Beach, 305-673-7577; miamibeachfl.gov
Fireworks Spectacular @ The Biltmore
Just a stone’s throw from campus, the Biltmore is transforming its immaculately manicured green to a stomping ground for us regular people. There will be live classical music, food trucks, and a heart-stopping fireworks show. Don’t bother with the VIP tickets, there isn’t one bad seat in the house. 4p.m.-10p.m., 1200 Anastasia Ave., Coral Gables, 305-913-3246; biltmorehotel.com
America’s Birthday Bash @ Bayfront Park
Everyone and their mothers will be here, and for good reason. There’ll be pony rides, a petting zoo, live music, and the largest fireworks display in the city. Watch out, the human per square foot ratio will be alarmingly high here. Even though these are your fellow patriots, it’s still Miami, so whatever you do, don’t drive. 3p.m.-10p.m., 301 N Biscayne Blvd., Downtown Miami, 305-358-7750; bayfrontparkmiami.com
words_jessica swanson. photo_raquel zaldivar
