The cheater. The other guy. The other woman. We have all heard about someone who is in a relationship with two people. People tend to judge and jump to negative comments about “the other person”, and we never get to hear their side. I interviewed two students, who for personal purposes have decided to stay anonymous, to tell their story on what it is like to be with someone who is already in a relationship.

Anonymous, 19

Did you know that the guy had a girlfriend when you first started your affair?

“No, he told me he had a girlfriend for a long time, something along four years, but he told me they broke up.”

How did you feel after he told you?

“After we went out a couple of times, he had to travel and that this trip was planned before he had met me, and that he was going to fix some problems he had with his ex-girlfriend. I felt like I should back off because I did not want to be in the middle of an unsolved relationship.”

Was it difficult to cope with your feelings?

“It was very difficult because before I found out about it all we were always together and it was enough time for us to know each other, and feelings started forming.”

When you found out did he give you the option to leave?

“He said he didn’t want us to be apart but our relationship changed a lot. The attention I got from him was not the same, we weren’t together all the time as before, and he started to be distant but I couldn’t be far from him.”

Was there a moment when you felt that you had to rationalize your decision to someone or yourself?

“From the moment I found out I knew the relationship was not right, meaning, it was against my own principles but I also knew that the fact that I started liking him was not fully my fault. In a certain way who lied about it all was him, he was the person that let the relationship get to that point. It was practically a feeling of injustice.”

Did you ever feel like you needed to keep your relationship a secret?

“I never questioned the fact that it was a secret because in the beginning it wasn’t a secret. We never had to hide when we were together, and if he put himself in that position he had to deal with the consequences, meaning, if he didn’t want me to go live my life, he would have to deal with my decision.”

What were people’s reactions when you told them your special someone was in a relationship?

“Some people tried to understand how the story unfolded while others judged me and told me that it was not correct by saying I should have self-love… but I have never been the person to listen to what others say, I follow what my heart tells me to do.

Would you do it again?

“I can’t say I would not do it again because you don’t know what tomorrow is going to be like but I will certainly make sure I do not fall in one of those traps ever again.”

What made this person worth going through this whole situation?

“I was very lonely for a long time. I didn’t get any love, attention, etc, and he had all of that to offer and time to spend with me, so I started creating expectation that one day we could be “happy forever”.”

What would you say to people who say they would never be the other woman or the other man?

“As I answered in one of the previous questions, we do not know what tomorrow is going to be like. I have said before in my life that I would never be the other woman, but we only know about the things once we go through them. Sometimes life creates traps, and we cannot always escape them.”

Anonymous, age 21

Did you know that the guy had a girlfriend when you first started your affair?

“I met him while studying abroad about a year or so ago. I didn’t know much about him when we met, he was a friend of a friend, and we started talking just like anyone would start talking with someone.”

How did you feel after he told you?

“When we first started talking it was just innocent flirting back and forth, and I didn’t really think about it in a serious way but once we started talking practically everyday and he told me he had a girlfriend. I was shocked and not sure what to do. At that point you are thinking I don’t want to be the other woman, but at the same time what happens if this is the person that I am supposed to be with. It’s really easy to think that being the other woman or man is never an option when you haven’t experienced it first hand, but the second you are faced with a decision between being happy and doing the right thing things get confusing and doing the right thing becomes really hard.”

Was it difficult to cope with your feelings?

Absolutely. You feel happy for a little bit when you are with that person but that goes away really quickly because there is a constant overwhelming feeling of guilt, that doesn’t really let you enjoy the relationship.

When you found out did he give you the option to leave?

Yes, but I felt like it didn’t really help that he kept reaching out to me. And saying things like “I’m not happy with my girlfriend, etc..”

Was there a moment when you felt that you had to rationalize your decision to someone or yourself?

“I never told anyone. This is the first time I am actually talking about it because I feel embarrassed and guilty to this day. I never felt comfortable telling anyone, even my friends about it because I knew that they would judge me, just like I would have judged them. Like I said, it’s hard to understand the situation when you aren’t in it. But at the same time I’m glad I experienced it because now I know how to handle a situation like that.”

Did you ever feel like you needed to keep your relationship a secret?

“We both kept it a secret. And I think the fact that it was a secret, made it easier for me to walk away after a few months. It was hard, but I think that if it would have been something out in the open, where he met my friends and things like that it would have been a lot harder to walk away.”

What were people’s reactions when you told them your special someone was in a relationship?

I didn’t tell anyone. Our relationship, if you can even call it that, was a total secret and we both didn’t discuss it with anyone. It was better that way especially since it’s over now. I guess if the relationship would have lasted longer then maybe I would have shared it with my close friends. But I think in the back of both of our minds, we both knew it was better for us to both walk away and never talk about those few months again.

Would you do it again?

“No, I wouldn’t do it again. I think that everyone who has gone through that situation really thinks that they are meant to be with that person. But at the same time if that person can’t break up with his then girlfriend or boyfriend. Then he’s not worth your time. He may really have feelings for you, but you shouldn’t be with a person that doesn’t have the courage to fight for your relationship. But I do think, this relationship taught me a valuable lesson. I realized that relationships aren’t black and white, there is a lot of grey area when it comes to relationships and that you can’t judge others on thier decisions until you have been in their shoes.”

What made this person worth going through this whole situation?

“I really like him. And I decided that my happiness was more important than anything else. I think that in the begining I really thought at the end of that whole thing, we would be together. But as time went by I realized that I wasn’t interested in being with someone who felt too comfortable with his relationship to leave. And I think its sad for him and for his girlfriend, that they are still together when he obviously no longer has feelings for her. And I think that is was really turned me off from the relationship between him and I, the fact that he was actively hurting his girlfriend just because he was too scared or too comfortable to leave her. And yes, maybe in his eyes he was protecting her, but it’s better to break up with someone then cheat on them, I think.”

What would you say to people who say they would never be the other woman or the other man?

“I would say, don’t be quick to judge. Life eventually will teach you that sometimes you are put in situations where you have to choose between your happiness and what you want with what is right. And it’s really hard to choose. And sometimes it takes time to do the “right thing.” It took me about 2 months to finally walk away, and it hurt to walk away. But I walked away with a lesson learned, and I know that I won’t be doing that again.”

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