But nothing gets a man’s blood pumping like a tailgate. The combination of grilling, inhaling piles of meat, imbibing quantities of alcohol and attending a sporting event with the intensity, violence and up-tempo pace seen in a Steven Seagal movie is perfection. And if that wasn’t enough already, consider the fact that you are doing all of this out of the back of your car or, even better, your pickup truck.
Unfortunately, there are still plenty of men that have either failed to acknowledge the significance of a great tailgate or simply have been misguided on their quest in perfecting one. But fear not, after careful study of the manliest of men, like Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Al Bundy and the Old Spice guy, Distraction came up with the ultimate tailgating guide for men, by men. Somewhere, Chuck Norris is nodding approvingly.FOOD
Ah, the barbecue, one of the last truly manly domains. Nothing is more macho. It includes the dangers and excitement of an open fire, the satisfaction of preparing the goods yourself and of course, lots and lots of meat.
Obviously, a great barbecue is vital to the success of your tailgate. Not enough or the wrong kind of food, misuse and abuse of the grill and/or unpreparedness and ignorance can turn what should be the highlight of your tailgate into a downright disaster. So make sure you have the right tools: tongs, a thermometer, a long spatula, coarse grain salt, pepper mill, olive or vegetable oil, some spices, an industrial-sized bag of charcoals, liquid oxygen to light them and of course, a knife.
Now, let’s take a look at the various ranks of the tailgating pyramid so you can plan accordingly and know what type food to bring for any occasion.
Level 1: The foundation of your pyramid should consist of the tailgating basics: Hot dogs, burgers, everything that goes with it (buns, cheese, ketchup, mayonnaise, mustard,) and bacon. This is where you want to go with quantity. You don’t want to be known as the tailgate that ran out of food. You want to be the one that could stay in the parking lot and survive till the next game.
Level 2: Now we move away from the basics and go for something a little bit more extravagant and exquisite: ribs, steaks, polish sausages, brats, chicken and bacon. A good old chili has never hurt anybody either so if you have the time to prepare some beforehand, do it.
Level 3: Chips, dips, shrimps, s’mores and … wait for it … here it comes … so crispy, so delicious, so unhealthy … more bacon! This level will be the icing on the cake of your tailgate. A good five-layer bean dip and some home-made guacamole will bring out the “ohhhhs” and “ahhhhs.” This last level will come into effect at two points during the tailgate: At the beginning when everybody is still waiting for the food to be cooked and of course at the end when everybody keeps eating while sporting the same slightly confused, “I don’t even know why I keep eating, I was full 30 minutes ago” look.DRINKS
While life is an ever-evolving hodgepodge of uncertainties and change, there still are some undeniable truths that we can bank on: the sun will always rise in the east, Charlie Sheen will always be “winning,” the pancakes at Chartwells will always taste like anything but actual pancakes, Notre Dame football will always be overrated and finally — tailgating and alcohol will always go hand in hand.
Just like let’s watch a movie is code for let’s have sex, tailgating really means let’s get plastered. That’s the power of football ladies and gentlemen; it has made drinking during the day and in public socially acceptable.
Now here is a list of the most important alcohol-related things you should know come game day:
- Get a keg, any keg. As long as it is beer you’ll be fine. Sometime after your fifth and sixth cup, every beer tastes the same.
- Make sure you have a bottle of Jim Beam for a shot now and then. It’s a good way to sterilize your tongue after the pong ball rolled under the car for the third time in a row.
- For early games: Mimosas (champagne and orange juice), Screw Drivers (vodka and orange juice) and/or Bloody Marys (vodka, tomato juice and then pretty much clear out your spice rack, throw everything together and take cover).
- Change it up every once in a while and make some Skippy. All you need is 30 beers, a bottle of vodka, Country Time Lemonade mix and a reckless disregard for your liver.
- Play drinking games:
HOW TO GET THE GIRLS
- Beer pong (a.k.a America’s actual favorite pastime): Greatest (drinking) game ever. It’s the perfect blend of skill, drama and drinking. How it is that we still don’t have a competitive league with nationally televised games? The world will never know.
- Flip cup: Another classic among drinking games. Try survivor flip cup to make matters even more interesting (last one to flip is out and so on, until there is one person left).
- Hockey: Screaming “GOAL!” at the top of your lungs has never been more fun.
- Seven-Eleven doubles: Whether you are on the street or at a tailgate, beware of games that involve dice.
Alcohol and food – Bring plenty of both. No one turns down free stuff, especially booze and grub, and girls will flock towards you.Studies have shown that men think about sex 623,891 times a day (all numbers estimated).
This should come as no surprise when considering our hunter and gatherer roots. We like to be “on the prowl” and collect enough ladies’ phone numbers to make Barney Stinson jealous.
Now, while you would usually go for the age-old strategy of separating the target female from the herd, like a lion does with his prey, tailgating is a different animal (literally). Tailgating is more comparable to the crocodile-gazelle scenario that Animal Planet showcases at least once a
month. Picture a herd of gazelles trying to quench their thirst at a watering hole when out of nowhere, the unsuspecting gazelles are mauled by a 500-pound crocodile. Gentlemen, you are the croc, so just kick back at the watering hole and play the waiting game.
In order to attract girls to your tailgate, the key is to provide goods and services that they want.
- Music – Provide some tunes and you’ve won half the battle. Remember, in the irrevocably true words of Dane Cook, “girls just wanna dance.”
- Decoration and Games –Set up some chairs, tables and a tent. Add games like cornhole and horseshoe, or simply bring a football to toss around. Everything that sets you apart will work in your favor. Girls love decorations; they’ll appreciate the work you’ve put in.
Be sure to follow all of these tips and tricks, and your next tailgate is sure to be a success. Gentlemen, start your grills!